


The One Where They Kiss

by Unicoranglais



Category: Super Dangan Ronpa 2
Genre: Angst, First Kiss, Humor, Kissing, M/M, Oneshot, Setup, Suspense
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-22
Updated: 2014-01-22
Packaged: 2018-01-09 14:33:30
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,238
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1147120
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Unicoranglais/pseuds/Unicoranglais
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Of all the things Hope’s Peak Academy has taped of its illustrious students, they say there’s one cassette that’s utterly infamous – scandalous, even....</p><p>((Souda/Tanaka, first kiss oneshot, giftfic for art-of-the-booky on Tumblr. Set well before DR1 happens - slight spoilers for Twogami, but no spoilers for anything else. Some level of horror/suspense, but nothing gory or actually horrific.))</p>
            </blockquote>





	The One Where They Kiss

 

Of all the things Hope’s Peak Academy has taped of its illustrious students, they say there’s one cassette that’s utterly infamous – _scandalous_ , even. No–one knows exactly what glorious footage it might contain, but it’s certainly whispered of in the corridors often enough to be significant, voices kept low as staff reactions to the footage are discussed – pale–faced men and furiously blushing women, the teachers so distressed that the line to the principal’s office was out the door the day they saw the tape. _That_ video’s a taboo topic to talk about, and undoubtedly popular because it’s taboo – they say the teachers are considering burning the tape in question, and countless boys have been caught trying to get into the staff room to see the damned thing in the last few days. The common consensus is that the video is, bluntly put, a _romance_ tape; though how far actions go or who it happens to involve is anyone’s guess.

Of course, Souda doesn’t know a thing about it, he’s decidedly not interested in it, he’s attending Hanamura’s midnight feast only for the food – or at least, that’s what he mumbles incoherently into his beanie when Sonia comes running in to tell him The News. The rumor that the little per– _chef_ happens to have That Video in his possession, and is planning to show it tonight – nope, Souda’s definitely not attending due to that _._ Heck, he’s hardly gonna be watching it, not if his host happens to serves the food first, seeing as he happens to love food far more than he could ever appreciate film, and _no Sonia, just no, no way would I want to see it, I’m sure there’s no girl more beautiful than you are._ He’s telling the truth there, too because there’s no girl Kazuichi Souda could be more helplessly, stupidly smitten with than Sonia Nevermind – a real princess who outshines the entire Disney pantheon without even trying. Highschool romance is of course a strange and fickle thing, but Souda’s damned sure that for at least as long as his hormones are in control, Sonia’s going to be all he’s ever wanted; he’s wanted her ever since she came to Hope’s Peak two years earlier, and though he still doesn’t have her, he’ll get her eventually. She is, after all, the only girl Souda’s ever gonna fall for, the mechanic tells himself smugly as Sonia walks away, leaving him alone in his room.

_Yep, she’s the only **girl** you’d ever fall for._

Souda stiffens a little at that thought, then shakes his head, brushing his fringe from his eyes. He’s not _really_ in love with Gundam Tanaka, he reassures himself quickly, carving a notch into his study desk with a screwdriver as he waits impatiently for the clock to tick closer to midnight. When he really thinks about it, the mechanic finds that he’s more in love with Tanaka’s _aesthetic_ – he just can’t stop looking at the guy, his attention constantly drifting back to the trainer no matter what Souda happens to be doing.  From the purple scarf that flows enticingly behind the guy, to the black coat that just grazes the floor with the trainer’s every movement, there’s no denying that every part of Tanaka’s ensemble simply oozes coolness – heck, even the bandages on his left hand and the hamsters chittering cutely on his shoulder manage to be aesthetically pleasing somehow. Perhaps the reason Tanaka’s look is so enticing is simply that Souda wants to look just like _that_ , for once pulling off the combo of tough and handsome he’s been trying and trying ever since middle school – but try as he might, the best Souda can do is dress in neon–coloured clothes, which whilst appearing to be _relatively_ cool on their own, look completely ridiculous alongside the dramatic reds, blacks, and purples Tanaka prefers. Souda really does love that look, he yearns to be _that_ guy – the one who can make Sonia bend over backwards for him, who’s so confident and mysterious, who’s literally got a choice of any girl he wants from those attending Hope’s Peak...

...but never actually _chooses_ one, never makes an advance, and to be honest that’s been getting on the mechanic’s nerves for a while now. If only Soudawere in Tanaka’s place, he’d have damned well made use of that talent, not have squandered it; he’d have tried out every damn girl he could, then turned them all down for Sonia. In Souda’s head, that’s how the whole harem thing works, that’s totally what he’d have done – and yet here Tanaka is, two years after his first steps into Hope’s Peak Academy, _still_ keeping all those girls hypnotized at arm’s length, Souda’s sweetheart included in their ranks. Something’s got to be done, the mechanic decides, for what he guesses must be the eighty–first time – the trouble is, he just doesn’t have the courage to come at Tanaka, who after all tends to prance around proclaiming that he is the unholy spawn of an angel and a demon (popular stuff with the ladies, but only when _Tanaka_ says it, as Souda’s already found out the hard way). He doubts he’s even spoken to the hamster–guy, to be honest; there’s something about him that makes the mechanic want to turn and run every time he gets near, and it’s all he can do to hold back that urge, stay cool – because he _is_ cool, or at least he is when he’s not alone – _no, no, no, I’m cool, I’m cool, I’m way cooler than Tanaka, Sonia’s gonna see that someday, she’ll get over that dumb guy who’s wasting all his talent and she’ll_ –

_Creeeak._

The mechanic glances up from his desk, and frowns – the door, for some odd reason, is hanging wide open, when he could have sworn he’d closed it. Whether he likes it or not, Souda’s room is now pouring light into the dark hallway – an action against school rules, one that will surely bring that stupid hall monitor Ishimaru running and shouting if he doesn’t shut the door. Muttering rebelliously under his breath, the mechanic walks over and pulls the door closed, listening for the click of the latch before he returns to his desk to wait for midnight to arrive.

And by the time he’s sat down, the door’s open again. Souda grits his teeth as he trots back over to it, but says nothing; he doesn’t want to do anything more to catch Ishimaru’s attention. It’ll be dangerous enough to use the torch he’s placed on his desk to navigate the pitch–black hallways, and the last thing he needs is getting caught by that overly confident snoot and dragged before the teachers in the middle of the night, possibly putting an end to Hanamura’s midnight feast if the staff get a confession out of Souda. This time, he inspects the door with care, making sure that the latch does in fact work, and that the wind cannot force it open, before he stalks back to his desk, glaring belligerently over his shoulder at the door.

Which is, once again, open.

“...The hell?” Souda mumbles after a long moment of staring, then turns back to his table, reaching for his torch in order to search for whoever’s behind this without fear of being caught by that stupid Ishima–

–and all thought goes out of his brain, because his torch is _gone_ , vanished into thin air, and he really _did_ see it just a minute ago. The mechanic gets down on his hands and knees for some minutes, but to no avail – and just to make matters worse, as soon as he gets to his feet, his tormentor decides that now would be an excellent time to click off the light in his room. Souda freezes on the spot in panic, shuddering out of his trances at the sound of soft footfalls, barely audible over the gentle hum of the air conditioner. He spins in the pitch blackness, desperately trying to see whoever – or _whatever_ – is stalking him, but only succeeds in making himself dangerously dizzy in addition to his blind state.

 “Oi! I’m not s–scared of you!”

“Really?”, a voice murmurs _right in his ear_ , and Souda absolutely shrieks in reply, leaping what feels like a good metre straight into the air and staggering away on the landing. Midway through his (somewhat) daring escape, however, he manages to trip over his chair, falling clumsily onto what feels like his desk with a crash and a pained yelp. A short, savage snort from his nearby assailant makes Souda jump again, scream –  only it’s not so much a jump as it is a sudden twitch that feels like it’s running from his head to his toes, and not so much a scream as it is a muffled grunt, followed by an ugly gagging noise as the teenager tries to get bits of swallowed carpet out of his mouth. In hindsight, the mechanic’s display of terror would probably have turned out a whole lot better if he hadn’t happened to be almost comically draped over a fallen desk; his body near–vertical, feet well off the ground and his face shoved hard into the floor.

With an effort, Souda manages to drag himself forwards a little, spitting out bits of carpet as he tries one last time to act cool. In this thoroughly undignified and panicked state, where everything hurts and he feels like the world’s laughing at his expense, it’s not an easy feat; but he tries anyway, gritting his teeth and clearing his throat. “I’m _n–not_ scared!” he yowls after a pause, and though it’s more to reassure himself than anything else, he immediately wishes that he hadn’t said a word – the mechanic’s voice echoes thinly, weakly in the darkness, and he finds himself wincing at his own stammer.

“What is it you mortals say...? Ah, yes. ‘ _Keep telling yourself that_.’”

He tenses at that – only one student speaks like _that_ in Hope’s Peak and gets away with it. Why the hell he’d be assaulting the mechanic this late at night, he’s got no clue; but Souda guesses that knowing how blunt this guy can be, he’s going to find out pretty damn fast.

“Tanaka?” he asks cautiously, pulling himself further forwards and twisting away, grunting in surprise when his legs suddenly come away from the desk, falling onto the carpet with a dull _thump_. Souda lies in place for a long moment, before he slowly gets to his feet. “T–Tanaka... What are yaaaaaaaaaahhh!” The mechanic twists away from the sudden light in his face, shielding his eyes as best as he can before he turns back to squint the other boy’s way. “Agh... G–get that thing out of my face, will ya?”

“And here I thought you would _appreciate_ the Great Destroyer Star Fox, San–D sallying forth and retrieving this primitive human torch, so that you might have a little light in this dark realm!” Tanaka rants, though he does at least angle the torch away from the other teenager, pointing it aimlessly around the room.  “The amount of trouble my Gods have gone to in order to procure this light, all because they took _pity_ on you–”

Souda groans inwardly, flapping his hands at the animal trainer to try and shut him up. “Spare me the explanation. What the heck are you doin’ in my room, anyway?”

And for all his growling and snarling and proclaiming and generally occult mumbo–jumbo, Tanaka, much to Souda’s surprise, does not deliver a verbal barrage, but instead steps away, pulling his scarf up and over his head until his eyes are all that shows – the mechanic thinks that he might have caught a glimpse of reddening cheeks, but he’s not sure. You see, Souda’s far too busy eyeballing the scarf, the pretty purple thing that glimmers in the thin light of the torch; the ends tracing little patterns in the air as Tanaka tilts his head haughtily to one side, his tones becoming even more clipped than they were before. “You could not possibly understand my motives, _mortal_. Asking why I am doing anything in your case is undoubtedly a useless affair, given your limited intellect–”

“I didn’t ask _why_ , I asked _what_.” Souda folds his arms, glaring in annoyance at the person who in his mind is fast becoming ‘That Guy Who Made Me Perform A Handstand With The Aid Of My Desk, But Whose Clothes Make Me Totally Want To Forgive Him’. Of course, the mechanic’s still scared of what the other guy might do in response to his words, but at least now he’s not openly terrified; he can put on a little charade for Tanaka, pretend that he’s super–cool as well, if that will make his unwelcome guest go away any sooner. Maybe, if he’s lucky, the animal trainer might be so intimidated by Souda’s act that he’ll drop his scarf when he leaves – sure, it’s wishful thinking, but it _could_ happen, if Souda was lucky–

–but of _course_ , Souda is just as unlucky as he ever was, and his dominant behavior merely causes Tanaka to fall silent, train of thought rudely interrupted. They stare at each other for a long moment, before the animal trainer eventually breaks the silence. “And...?”

“Well, watcha gonna do, now you’ve surprised me? _Kiss_ me?” Souda blurts – and then he stops in horror at what he just said, shaking his head in disbelief. “I–I mean...!” he begins; but it’s way too late for corrections now, and so he falls silent – Tanaka’s eyes are going wide, the mechanic’s face is definitely heating up, it’s all he can do not to turn away in total embarrassment. It’s just so _confusing_ , feeling such terror and such shame and such longing all at the same time – never mind Souda’s feelings for Sonia, or whatever Tanaka might happen to feel for his veritable harem – and the boy’s almost _glad_ when the animal trainer lowers the torch, light pooling on the ground for a moment before he clicks it off, leaving them both in the dark. At least if he can’t see Tanaka, he can’t be hypnotized by his look, so the darkness is almost good–

–but only _almost_ , since a split second later the other teenager’s on the move again, dainty footfalls on the carpet quickly drawing near. Before Souda can even think about stepping away to avoid a collision in the dark, there’s an arm around his waist, a soft mumble about guys who dye their hair being prone to _premonitions_ or some such nonsense, and Souda doesn’t get a chance to breathe or speak or scream, just gasp a little before his nose bumps into something soft and warm, and he freezes on the spot out of fear. Tanaka’s close against him now, his grip stiff and ceremonial, and fabric brushes on the mechanic’s lips as the other boy tentatively pulls his scarf down, letting the folds of the garment fall to rest between their necks. They stand like that for a moment, noses and lips touching, before with a regretful sigh, the animal trainer turns his head to the side, Souda leaning back with a slight frown.

“Oi, whaddaya doing? I thought we were gonna... y’know...”

“Alas. Being the foul creature that I am, my kiss would likely kill you, even if my touch has not already done its poisonous work...” Tanaka considers this for a moment, then steps away, his voice becoming sterner: “Yes – my kiss is indeed the ‘Kiss of Death’ that so many literary works allude to! It is for this reason that I have never kissed a mortal in my life!” A slight pause, then: “You understand, of course, that the Four Dark Gods of Destruction are not mortals?”

“Oh, come _on!_ ” the mechanic growls in the dark, his temper flaring a little at the thought that after all Tanaka’s put him through, he’s about to _leave_ without giving him so much as a ‘Sorry’, let alone what he presumably meant to give the mechanic. He inches forwards carefully, trying to figure out where Tanaka is based on his voice – much as he doesn’t like to admit it, Souda _wants_ that kiss now. Admittedly, he wants it more because the trainer’s dangling it out of reach than because he’s attracted to Tanaka – but he wants it all the same, wants it enough to bite back the ‘ _I don’t believe ya!’_ on the tip of his tongue, and try asking a question instead, hoping that Tanaka won’t leave him alone in the dark for doing that. “So, you’ve kissed your hamsters?”

“The Four Dark Gods of Destruction...?” A short silence, then a mumble that sounds a little like a ‘yes’. Souda tilts his head to one side, tangling his fingers through his hair for a moment, before he blurts out something he never thought he’d actually wind up saying:

“Can’t you just pretend that you’ve turned me into a hamster or something with your magic, and kiss me that way?”

It’s a dumb idea, and they both know it (or at least, _Souda_ knows it; he can’t be sure about Tanaka’s exact opinion on the matter). The other boy huffs and stomps and growls, but for all his non–verbal complaining, he still steps towards Souda again, the bandages on his left hand tickling back of the mechanic’s neck as Tanaka touches it to Souda’s shoulder, gently sliding down his arm until it grips the mechanic’s wrist. The teenager can’t help but smile a little in the darkness at his scent; it’s a sweet one, chemical perhaps, but sweet nonetheless. “Before we begin, you should know that though you may be strangely immune to my poisonous touch, there is no _pretense_ in magic. There is only _magic_ in that word. If I will it, you will take whatever form I wish upon you, unless you happen to be immune to my dark art. Is this understood?”

Souda rolls his eyes, then shrugs so the other boy will at least _feel_ his disdain, since neither of them can exactly see it. “Fine, I’m a hamster. Squeak, squeak, something like that. I’m doomed to a life of carrots, or whatever it is hamsters eat – just kiss me!” And with that, he leans forwards in his impatience and grabs Tanaka by the soft silky material of his scarf, not waiting for the other boy’s answer to his command as he drags him closer. At first, the trainer pulls away, leaning back and mumbling what Souda assumes is some occult dialect’s equivalent of swearwords, but the mechanic persists (pulling, tugging, half–kissing up and down his neck for all he’s worth, slobbering, nipping, praying he won’t accidentally open up the jugular with his too–sharp teeth), and after a long few minutes, Tanaka abruptly decides to give up on his incantations, snapping his head down to nudge the mechanic away from his neck.

“What, you’re gonna push me away _again?_ ” Souda growls softly; but that’s as far as he gets in his whiny protest before Tanaka grabs his collar and crashes their lips together. It’s the first kiss either has actually experienced, so there’s a fair bit of awkwardness and negotiating; the two boys are aware that you’re supposed to bash your mouth into the other person’s and make it look gentle, something along those lines, but what comes next is completely beyond them both. For starters, neither has any clue where the hell their hands are supposed to go; the animal trainer slides his to Souda’s shoulders, whilst the mechanic simply shoves his firmly in his pockets so they won’t get in the way as the two of them move against each other, clothes brushing and hearts hammering for no good reason.

The kiss itself rough at first; painful, clumsy, and in general not the sort of thing you’d play gentle romantic music in the background of – early on, Tanaka presses his lips so hard on Souda’s that the latter’s neck feels as though it’s about to break, and the mechanic’s sharpened teeth prove to add a whole new level of hazard to the already dangerous affair of moving around this close in total darkness. It’s not a long, drawn–out kiss, by any means – more a series of short, awkward sessions as they try again and again to do it right, failing rather painfully every time. Even if Souda’s teeth don’t accidentally graze Tanaka’s lips, or Tanaka’s elbow doesn’t somehow wind up in a decidedly uncomfortable place, as with what happens during the first session – the two boys still forget to breathe every time, not knowing that they should remember to do so, they forget to swallow their saliva, and so three times break away gasping for breath with drool running out the sides of their mouths, then turn back and try valiantly once more; always banging foreheads and bumping noses on the re–entry, Souda whining softly at the pain, then whining in pleasure as he twists a little to the side, tasting the sweetness on Tanaka’s lips – strawberry chapstick, as chemical as the guy’s smell but sweet all the same.

The whole thing ends just as the two of them begin to relax a little more – even as the mechanic tangles his fingers through Tanaka’s greasy hair and flowing scarf, Tanaka’s got his hands around behind Souda’s head, he’s nibbling a little on the guy’s lip, and it all feels almost not awkward – but then the light switch clicks over for absolutely no good reason. No–one watching them should have had a need to turn on the lights, the mechanic tells himself furiously as he reluctantly pulls away from Tanaka – the cameras in all the rooms have a night–vision function, so the staff of Hope’s Peak shouldn’t need to have had light to watch the show, and Ishimaru received some night–vision goggles from the staff as a reward for his good work as a hall monitor just a week ago, which he so far hasn’t shut up about; it would have been strange if he wasn’t taking the opportunity to use them.

_So, who...?_

“Ooooh! Talk about kinky! Ibuki’s getting warm all over!”

Souda leaps away from the other guy when whoever’s watching the two of them comes out of their shock, and with those words, a sudden cheer goes up. The mechanic would probably have gotten a good distance from Tanaka had he not staggered in his panic; with a quick lunge, the animal trainer has his arms around Souda’s waist, holding him up  – and of course, they both freeze instantly at the flash of a camera, a bout of cooing from the door. If anything, it feels doubly awkward when after a long moment, Souda gets up enough confidence to look up towards the doorway, only to see the other thirteen members of his class all looking back. For a second, he sees Sonia, standing aghast, and guilt hits him like a speeding train – and for a terrible moment the mechanic believes that the simile actually fits, because he’s been stupid, he deserves to be hit–

“I–it wasn’t what it looked like!”

The words have tumbled straight out his mouth, so _dull_ and _cliché_ and _boring_ , and in that moment he knows that he’s lost Sonia’s heart, for at least a good while if not forever. She doesn’t forgive easily, he tells himself – she’s a _princess_ , isn’t she? – and he’s done wrong in her eyes. In the seconds before the embarrassed laughter breaks out, Souda feels as though his world is tumbling down; the pain in his heard only amplifying when he realizes that Sonia’s not looking at him, was never looking at him – she’s looking at _Tanaka_ , did she ever even care about Souda–

–then the snickering happens, sheepish teenagers each looking at the others as though the mere act of being there was somehow the fault of the other people. Kuzuryuu doesn’t just look – he _snarls_ at the others, yelling furiously at them all with a rather liberal bout of swearing too prolific to repeat here. From what Souda can gather from the ranting beyond the headache it induced, the general idea behind Kuzuryuu’s words is that the gangster happens to be (a) in a rather serious disagreement with the idea that what Souda and Gundam were doing was at all attractive, (b) angry that his time has been wasted (presumably due to the absence of any attractive ladies, though such a notion was not stated explicitly), (c) angry that Pekoyama’s time has been wasted, by extension of _his_ time being wasted, and (d) would like to know who organized the whole... shall we say, _event_ , so that a suitable punishment may be procured for Kuzuryuu’s time being wasted. In the end, he’s only silenced when Pekoyama, puts a stiff hand on his shoulder, a slight frown creasing her pretty features.

“Swearing is not good for business, young master”, she murmurs; but the damage from Kuzuryuu’s outburst has already been done. The other teenagers are no longer as apt to stay silent as they were before, and as soon as the gangster has quieted, several of them decide to speak out, Tanaka’s hand going tense on Souda’s shoulder as they do so. Perhaps the animal trainer’s face doesn’t show his own rising panic as well as Souda’s shows his fear of being ostracized by the others, but the mechanic can feel it in Tanaka’s grip – and definitely not a comforting feeling to be around

“Sorry about the camera... I swear, it was just instinct”, Koizumi smiles, stepping forwards a little sheepishly, only to scramble back two steps when Saionji appears, red–faced and yelling, at her side.

“Yeah! Don’t you think my Big Sis Koizumi was at all _perving_ on you guys! I won’t tolerate that for a minute!”

“Uh – Saionji?”

“Yeah, Big Sis?”

Souda hides a grin at that – the puppy–eyed, innocent look on Saionji’s face could probably have inspired a ravenous hyena to start writing love sonnets if she’d so desired. It’s little wonder that Koizumi’s will to tell Saionji off folds after barely a second of hesitation – her shoulders slump, and she instinctively looks away from the smaller girl.

“...It’s nothing.”

 Maybe Saionji says something else to that, her lips certainly move – but the mechanic’s attention is suddenly taken up by the pale boy suddenly strutting out of the little mob; making his appearance a well–known fact with an enormous spread of his arms. “Ahhh! Didn’t it just fill you with _hope_ , Hinata, seeing them do that? I hope that you will at least _consider_ doing something like that someday, perhaps even with someone as useless as myself!”

Souda’s not entirely sure what he meant by all that, but evidently Hinata _does_ know – for Komaeda’s statement is answered by a loud choking noise from the back of the group, followed by a yelp from the pale teen as someone presumably gives him a kick or an elbow to shut him up. All eyes, of course, go to the ever–violent Owari, who as usual completely fails to notice the sudden attention she’s getting, instead focusing on a point somewhere behind Souda’s head. “Huh... Hey Tanaka, why were you tryin’ ta eat Souda’s face again? I didn’t really get that bit of the video.”

With this, the spotlight’s back on the duo, and the mechanic can’t say he likes it in the least – just when he was starting to relax a little, become distracted from his Sonia–related guilt, Owari’s gone and dragged things right back to that awkward point from when the lights clicked on. Again, he feels the guilt from having had his first kiss _not_ taken by his Sonia, but this time it’s returned at double strength – he’s not just guilty over the princess, he’s guilty from having _forgotten_ to be guilty of the princess, and it hurts, boy does it hurt. The mob stares his way, and Souda suddenly feels as though he might burst into tears, his whole ‘cool kid’ act dissolving at Sonia’s feet.

Luckily for him, Tanaka’s a little more willing to fight back, stepping a little forwards so that he’s partially blocking Souda’s view of the crowd. “I was not _trying_ to eat his face!” the animal trainer blusters noisily, but is shouted down by Nidai, and after a short battle where the two of them each attempt to clear their throats louder than the other, the animal trainer decides to step back from Souda and tug his scarf up over his face, even as the big man makes his opinion known, very loudly and clearly:

“No! You see, Tanaka and Souda here were engaging in an act of human affection, otherwise known as _kissing,_ in which the lips–”

“I _know_ what kissing is, old man! All I’m saying is that what they were doing sure wasn’t it!”, Owari yells back at him, spittle flying in the air as they begin to argue, their volume forcing everyone else in the room to listen to them – much to Souda’s complete mortification.

“Say what you will – they clearly had their lips together! And they were doing their thing with _great_ passion! Even if their actions lacked skill, their enthusiasm was simply admirable!”

“Well, it sure takes skill to mess up a kiss that badly!”

“Regardless of that, these two individuals engaged in a rousing display of _passion_ , Owari! Their spirits were–”

“Stuff the spirit – I swear Hamster Guy was gonna bite Pinkie’s head clean off! That’s not what you do when you’re kissing!”

A shaking hand goes up at Owari’s last comment, but perhaps fortunately for the two males facing down the crowd, Tsumiki’s quiet “U–um... b–but...” goes unnoticed by Owari and Nidai. Who knows what she was planning to say – but given that she’s a SHSL Nurse, Souda guesses that it’s probably something to do with the biology or science of kissing, and that’s not exactly what he needs to be hearing at this point – not that Owari and Nidai’s impassioned bawlings are _much_ better, but they’re at least a little less embarrassing than whatever Tsumiki might have been liable to come out with.

Luckily, the argument between coach and student is soon settled when the imposter comes between them, just as Owari’s about to somehow ‘prove’ her point with a nice punch to Nidai’s face.  “That’s enough”, he growls – and it _is_ enough, seeing as they both stop instantly, giving Souda an entire two seconds of a world free of embarrassing dialogue.

Sadly, two seconds isn’t very long.

“See? Told you they were in a relationship!”, Hanamura pipes up, the host of the midnight feast at last pushing his way to the front of the mob with a huge grin on his chubby features. “You don’t need to worry about missing the tape, by the way. Turned out it was pretty boring, a mere peck on the cheek compared to what you two… shall we say, _managed?_ ” His grin goes a little sharklike, and he quickly wipes his nose.

“Th–this was a s–setup, then...?” Souda stammers, shrinking back from the perv– _chef_ and glancing nervously at Tanaka. The animal trainer harrumphs arrogantly, keeping an unblinking gaze focused on Hanamura – and for once the mechanic actually finds the display of aggression comforting, in an odd sort of way. Of course, Tanaka’s probably just defending his own dignity, but all the same – Souda feels as though he’s protecting the mechanic’s dignity too, regardless of whether or not that’s the case.

“Souda, do you honestly think one such as _I_ would dare participate in a _setup?_ Even if I were foolish enough to try such a thing, I would never have an accomplice.” Tanaka lowers his head a little, then suddenly snaps it up, directing a look so thunderous at the chef that Souda half–thinks Hanamura will collapse on the spot. “It seems our _friend_ here found out my dark intentions somehow. Desperate to see this evil mastermind in action, he coerced that Chihiro girl–”

“Somehow? _Somehow?_ ” Hanamura squeals, clapping his hands to his cheeks in a show of mock innocence. “My dear Gundam, I’ll have you know that _–_ ”

“Do not address me in that way!”

“– erm, I mean, _Tanaka_ – why, I don’t think you give me enough credit! I can read, write, and even _speak_ the very language of love! Your mind was an open book to me! When the apple of your eye was not present, you gazed vacantly across the room, but when your dearest Kazuichi–“

“Do not address _him_ in that way!”

“Fine – when _Souda_ came into your sights, your eyes sparkled, your heart hammered against your chest, your mouth hung agape, your face reddened! Your palms were sweaty, glimmering in the fluorescent lights of the classroom! Your–”

“Never in my life have I heard such a ridiculous sentiment expressed! The Ascendant of Ice simply does not _show_ such pitiful mortal emotions! He is as silent and icy as the glacier, and–”

“–as red in the face as a big, ripe tomato!”

Souda groans inwardly during the long silence following this gem of wisdom (just because it’s _true_ doesn’t mean that anyone should point it out), before he, too, joins in with the others in the activity of staring stupidly at Ibuki.

“...Aw, c’mon! Those were just the lyrics for Ibuki’s newest upcoming breakout track! They’ve been stuck in her head ever since she saw this really nice sala–”

“What is this talk of _salad?_ ”

And there Ishimaru stands, having made his glorious appearance at the least opportune of moments, trying to look as regal as he can in his boxer shorts and little else (when duty calls this urgently, Souda guesses, the guy doesn’t give much thought to what he’s wearing). His bushy eyebrows waggle about like two furry caterpillars as he frowns in confusion at first Souda, then Tanaka, then turns back towards the little group he has just barged his way through. “Hmm...”

“Hmm, _what?_ ”, Saionji grumps, and Ishimaru whirls on his heel, pointing at her as he decides to give everyone a good dose of the yelling he’s somewhat famed for at Hope’s Peak.

“Hmm, I’m sending you and you and you and you and you and you and you and you and you and you and you and you and you to detention! Your presence will be expected two hours before school, where you will all be doing morning exercises, as directed by me!”

“Excellent!” booms Nidai, which earns him a cheerful salute from Ishimaru.

“Many thanks! I am very glad that you approve, sir!”

Hinata blinks, then rubs at his temples. “Wait, so who do you want to go to–”

“I said ‘you’ thirteen times!” Ishimaru bawls. “Everyone – _everyone_ – who is not in this room is classified as being out of their dorms without permission, unless they happen to have express permission from the principal – which as I recall, they do not!” He stomps forwards, waving his arms about as he herds the other students out of the room, leaving Tanaka and Souda behind. “Everyone out of the doorway, please! Return to your rooms!”

The two teenagers stare at each other for a long moment, before the mechanic looks away with a sigh, his mind a complete mess as he flaps a hand in Tanaka’s general direction. “Go on. Out.”

“I cannot leave.”

Souda grumbles under his breath, slouching over to his desk and hefting it upright, before he turns back to the animal trainer. “Fine, I’ll bite... Why can’t you go?”

“Ishimaru never gave me permission to do so, and it would be most unwise to place the Four Dark Gods of Destruction in the confinement of detention. Who knows what catastrophe they could bring to Hope’s Peak if they were angered?” He sniffs indignantly, before sitting cross–legged on the floor and closing his eyes. “As much as I do not want to, I must stay in this room until the Four Dark Gods for Destruction take pity on you mortals, and permit the sun to rise.”

Souda wouldn’t have been buying that at all, if only he hadn’t been so tired that he just didn’t care at this stage. He just falls into bed without really caring what he’s doing.

He does, however scream very loudly in the morning, when he wakes up to find that though Tanaka’s still in his bizarre cross–legged position on the floor, his _hamsters_ have decided that sleeping under the covers with the mechanic is a much more comfortable option. That, in a nutshell, is how Souda wakes up that morning to find that he’s got a furball down his neck, a furball clinging to his leg, and two more snuggled under his collar, and winds up dancing what could have been a very good tarantella as he tries to get rid of the damned animals, Tanaka roaring furiously when he realizes what’s going on.

Needless to say – as far as waking experiences go, it’s not the most romantic.

But then again, Souda guesses ruefully as he walks into class later on, the others all too exhausted from their Ishimaru–exercise session to snigger his way – Tanaka’s not the most romantic, either. 


End file.
